Autumn Decay

I found myself rummaging through some old binders a few days ago and I discovered this song that I wrote. Which is odd because I can’t sing or play an instrument. At any rate, the natural conclusion was to torture all of you with it by spamming your internet.

Autumn Decay

I’ll try to sing
Sing of April and May
If I’m not overpowered
By the Autumn decay

But if the Fall
Climbs the walls
Will you still fly my standard
Even after I’m gone?

And if the cause
If the cause is lost
Will you still fight the battle
No matter the cost?

I’ll try to sing
Sing of April and May
If I’m not overpowered
By the Autumn Decay

You see I need
Need your love
I need to know
That you’re there for me

Have you forgotten?
Oh how the mighty have fallen!
Did you forget what you taught me?

You used to say
“Love means fighting a war
Love means fighting a war you might’ve already lost.”

So fight this war
Fight for me
Fight for everything you love
Fight it hard to save me

I’ll keep on singing
I’ll sing of April and May
And I won’t let the Autumn
Overpower the Spring

So fight this war
Fight it for me
Fight for everything you love
Fight it hard to save me

O Death, Thou Art Dead.

For those who don’t know, after a year-long battle, my mother finally won her fight with cancer. That is, she passed into the glory of God’s Kingdom and left this world behind. That was May 12, 2010.

Call me deluded, but I don’t see her death as a failure; I see it rather as a victory. I wrote a while back that God’s plan for mankind was always eternal life; death, for the Christian, is turned on its head. “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21) I really believe this.

Anyway, in the end, I think I’m very mixed up. Because I’m so happy for her; she can finally rest! But I’m so very sad for me; it’ll be quite a while before I can see her again. However, I don’t think she’s quite as far as my mind keeps telling me she is. As I told my friends, mom’s with God wherever she is, and I’m with God here and so she’s much closer than I could ever imagine. Praise be to God, the Axon of Creation.

–Amanda

“God Didn’t Say That.”

I told a co-worker my mom couldn’t move her legs anymore. I said it was pretty much the beginning of the end.

She told me a story about her mother who was told she would be confined to a wheelchair within a couple of years. My co-worker’s mother said: “No, God didn’t say that. A doctor said that. But God didn’t say that.”

I’ve been told over and over that God has a plan and that he’ll take care of me and my mom. And for a while there, I felt very cynical about it; if I keep waiting for a miracle, for God to swoop in and make the cancer go away, I might blame him when it doesn’t.

But my co-worker told me that story. And the social worker from the hospice said this isn’t the time to give up hope; rather, she added, it’s time to change what I hope for. And I hope God will give me and my mother the best days of her life. I have faith that he will.

–Amanda